Tag Archives: 2020s

The Crumbs (2020)

Inbred cannibal hillbillies on a mission to waste the viewers’ time. 101min imdb

Recap:

The Crumbs are an inbred Hillbilly family that feeds on trespassers. However they are not entirely degenerated. One of them even is an actual MD.

Yadda Yadda Yadda. The story starts quite interesting, but then, nothing really happens. And when nothing has happened for quite some time, nothing happens.

BUT THEN!

ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOTHING HAPPENS!

In the end some of the plot threads seem to lead somewhere, but then they don’t.

First thing is that that the advertisers are lying even more than usual. This is not a horror movie, it’s not even a thriller, because nothing horrifying or thrilling happens.


You could call it a crime movie because illegal things are done in it. However this is so long and longwinding and slow-paced that it is the dullest crime movie I can remember. Also, it’s too much of a fairytale or fantasy or at least science fiction story to be a legit crime story. The Crumbs have an anti aging treatment that actually works. And Dr. Crumb claims that it works by protecting the cells from cancerogens, which is about as “scientific” as, say, creationism. If an anti aging treatment would actually work it would be because it would manipulate the telomeres of the chromosomes. Which of course would mean that the Crumbs couldn’t have been around for as long as this movie suggests because genetic engineering even in theory has not been around for such a long time.

This is a nothing burger with extra nothing and special nothing sauce.

Movie 110min

Trailer

Konga TNT (2020)

A mysterious alien substance changes a stuffed gorilla into a skyskrapersized man in a Halloween costume . 72min imdb

Movie 72min

Trailer

Recap:

So at first there is this alien crash landing on earth, but we don’t see its face because it wears an incredibly cheap halloween mask. Then there is some kind of a Québec James stealing an alien gazonga from a tribe of, well, I guess they are supposed to be Amazonas Amazons, or something like that. A scientist extracts a substance called KTNT from the gazonga and injects it into a plush gorilla who escapes and makes friends with two annoying brats, until he transmogrifies into a skyskrapersized man in a Halloween gorilla costume.

Well, when I found this movie I expected a new but old fashioned Kaiju movie, probably with a man in a gorilla suit. A few minutes into the movie I realized that it was a comedy, and I thought “good thing, too. Old-fashioned Kaiju movies are notorious for being unvoluntarily funny, so you may just as well be deliberately funny. And if you keep on going all the way over the top all the time then maybe nobody will notice that you are not skilled movie makers.”

Boy, was I wrong! Sure they went all over the top all of the time, but it just was more cringy than funny. Now, considering that this movie is so overwhelmingly bad and most it consists of stock footage and green screen action and considering that the actors playing the annoying brats share the director’s last name and considering when the movie was produced I really thought that this was one of the sweetest and dandiest things a father could do to keep his family busy while in quarantine, and I wondered how this ever got a proper release and, given the miniscule budget, whether there even was a chance that this labor of love could make a profit of a Canadian Dollar or two, which would be quite deserved.

Boy, was I wrong again. Looking to confirm my theory I did a tiny bit of research and found out that Brett Kelly is the director of 40+ movies! This man is a fraudster who makes a living by selling amaturds as actual movies! Now that was food for thought for me. Because before I realized that I was scammed I felt, in a way, entertained. So, I guess now I have to decide whether or not I want to enjoy more of this rubbish. Spoiler: probably I will watch some more of his stuff, just like other people keep on staring at car crashes, and eventually I will be fed up, deciding that these “movies” are just too bad even to be so-bad-that-it’s-good.