superheroes – Arkham TV

Super Detention (2016)

⭐⭐⭐ 84min TV movie that tries to resemble Sky High

Recap

So there are these super kids who go to super school and end up in super detention. At the very same day there is this super hero coming to super school to pick his super successor. Only that he doesn’t feel like retiring, so he’s

The official slogan is It’s X-Men Meet The Breakfast Club, and that of course is a lot. The Uncanny X-Men are one of Stan Lee’s finest inventions, and in the 90s there has been a time when it was commercial suicide to publish a comic book without the letter X in the title. And The Breakfast Club sure was one of the 80s’ most iconic movies and even today is still THE teenage movie. So in one review someone said it was more like the TV movie version of Sky High, and that’s so much more like it. So if you are a super nerd who just has to watch everything super, things are a bit complicated. First thing is that you must lower your expectations. Forget about X-Men and The Breakfast Club, this movie is NOTHING like them, it’s not even like Sky High. Only after you stop expecting anything great you can start to enjoy the movie. I’m not even talking about the limited fights and special effects, one of my favorite superhero movies is The Specials, and that one has some really crappy FX near the end and a single fight scene that is much shorter than its dance scene. However, The Specials was written by James Gunn, and this one was not. So this one is basically working through a list of tropes and clichés, and only after you lowered your expectations you can start to try and enjoy the story and sympathize with the characters. So, this movie is barely okay, only slightly better than mediocre.

If however, you are not a super nerd eager to watch everything super, then it’s easy: just skip this movie unless you want a nice little TV movie without anything special to it.

Oh, and talking about The Specials: that one happens to have the best dance scene in a superhero movie ever. In the audio commentary they emphasize that it could have been so much better with more time and more money and actual dancers as extras. Yet this dance scene as it is is much better than the whole Super Detention movie: https://youtu.be/v-zK1TKajlo. The green alien by the way is played by Sean Gunn who currently works as Rocket Raccoon for the MCU.

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imdb

Swamp Thing (1982)

⭐⭐⭐⭐ 91min Wes Craven’s adaptation of the DC superhero

Recap

Alec Holland works at a laboratory in the swamps and is bitten by a plant-based explosive that turns him into the Swamp Thing. He now must protect government agent Alice and gas station attendant Jude from Arcane, the villain who is after the the secret research results.

This one is shot as arather conventional action movie, filmed with moderate effort. Even though it’s about a swamp thing, there is no horror in it, the thing in fact is more of a (tragic) superhero, which makes sense since it’s property of DC. It is true that Wes Craven has made better movies with smaller budgets, but it’s untrue to say this campy little stinker is not a whole lot of fun to watch.

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Power Pack (1991)

⭐⭐ 26min Pilot for Marvel’s Power Pack show that never materialized.

Recap

The Power family comes to town. Unlike in the comic book, the parents are aware of their kids’ superpowers, so the father reminds the kids to keep their powers a secret. So Jack is really cautious when he helps his new friends to sneak into a dead magician’s house. However, he brings from this trip a magical amulet that the wizard wants back.

Well, I guess that this is good enough for children: there are four kids with superpowers and nice parents, there is a spooky abandoned house, there is a bit of haunted house horror, but not too much, and after 26min everything is alright again. For grown people however there is just not much there. It is no surprise that this pilot never lead into an actual series, and it’s not a pity, either. So here is your chance to watch a complete Marvel franchise in its entirety in only 26min.

Power Pack was created by Louise Simonson, premiered in 1984 and lasted for 62 issues, which makes it one of Marvel’s not so successful titles. Of course you cannot force comic nerds to like a series about brats, but I guess that Marvel would have liked to. The customers sure can never be too young to brand their brains with your products, just like Lego has Duplo or Camel has Camel Joe. Anyway, Power Pack occasionally came back with guest appearances and several miniseries. And only today I read that in 2017 Mickey Mouse has had plans to make Power Pack part of the MCU. I have no idea whether these plans are still an item, but I know that if Mickey can make a buck with them, then he will.

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Faust (2000)

Love Of The Damned

Forget about Gretchen! This Faust sells his soul for a set of Wolverine claws and the silliest cape in the history of superhero capes. Directed by Brian Yuzna with Jeffrey Combs in a supporting role. 98min imdb

Recap:

John Jaspers sells his soul to M(ephisto) to take revenge for the murder of his girlfriend. Of course he later regrets it, so M buries him alive but is dumb enough to toss Jaspers’ Wolverine claws into the open grave. In hell, Jaspers uses these to slay a demon and returns to earth. He now is Faust, some kind of “deconstructed” superhero much like the Dark Knight or Spawn, wearing an extremely silly cape that resembles bat wings, probably because proper demon wings were too expensive.

M wants to use Jade de Kamp, a shrink and Faust’s love interest, in a ritual at Walpurgisnacht to summon a Homunkulus. However he is too full of himself to realize that with Faust he has created his nemesis.

Okay, so usually a Homunkulus is a small, manmade human, but in this one he is a boss monster posing as a cosmic horror, but why not? This movie is based on a comic book that as I hear was popular in the late 80s. It borrows a few ideas like Faust’s deal with the devil and turns them into, well yes, into what? This movie is chocolate for the eyes with nudity and sex and violence and blood and special effects. When you watch something like this you just lean back and enjoy. If you start asking for rhymes and reasons you are so totally done for. This movie is dumb. It’s intellectual value equals the nutritional value of a Big Mac, and it tastes similar: it’s not a thrilling sensation, not a beneficial experience, but it’s yummy. I don’t know about you, but I like Big Mac.

Movie 96min

Trailer

Nick Fury:Agent Of SHIELD (1998)

The Organization With A Cool Acronym reactivates agent David Hasselhoff because they need his cool oneliners in their fight against HYDRA. 120min(?) imdb

Recap:

Andrea “Viper” von Strucker steals the shock frosted body of her father Wolfgang and recreates the Totenkopf or Death Head Virus to blackmail the Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate (since 1991,formerly known as Strategic Headquarters, International Espionage and Law-enforcement Division, currently known as Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division). Also she gives Nicholas Fury the kiss of death using a frogtoxine which is a quite supervillainous thing to do, because not only does Fury not actually die for 48 hours, but since the froxine obviously was genetically altered with her DNA to make her immune, he now is also quite motivated to take a sample of her blood.

HYDRA is not only one of the few terrorist organizations that call themselves “terrorist”, it is also very dangerous because for each head that you cut off, it grows a new buttock. So to fight it you need an extremely tough, old fashioned agent, one who solves technical difficulties by shooting a round into the control panels. Have you seen what it looks like when Mickey Mouse is trying to make a superhero movie? I guess that some of his movies are quite decent, but looking at Black Panther or Fantastic Four #3 (2015) I’d say that Mickey should leave his paws off Marvel and stick to my childhood hero Phantomias (aka Paperinik, created 1969 in Italy as a Disney original). This movie is fun. Yes, it’s cheap and it’s cheesy, but I’m cool with that because I just love superheroes. They are just like pizza: they come in all styles and sizes and i never want them without extra cheese.

Interesting is the choice of actor for this one: if you are used to Samuel L. Jackson playing the role you will hardly recognize Fury in this one: much like in the comic book and much unlike Jackson, this one smokes! Cigars! In the elevator of the Helicarrier! And much unlike Jackson this one can be replaced with a LMD or Life Model Decoy. So when they had to hire an actor that could be replaced with a robot with a rubber mask, they chose David Hasselhoff. You may not have heard of him, but in the 80s and early 90s of the last century he was well known as a swimsuit model who was dumber than his car. Does it work? Well, what do I know! Nick Fury has never been my favorite comic book hero, and except for him and Wolfgang von Strucker I recognized none of the characters in this movie. But I can very well imagine that dyed in the wool fans were upset by this corny, exaggerated Fury spitting the oneliners. In my opinion however Hasselhoff nails the trope of the hard-boiled spy BECAUSE he delivers such an over the top parody. So while I never was a fan of Baywatch or Knight Rider, the Hoff has earned my sympathy with this one, and I shall never hassle him again.

(By the way, most sources including imdb say this is 120min long. However, one source says 90min, and the 90min version I watched did not look like a butchered version at all. What would they edit out anyway? This being a TV movie, there never was any sex or violence that they could censor.)

Movie 90min

Trailer

Since I mentioned Paperinik:

Mars Men (1976)

A Thai terracotta superhero and a Japanese transformer Cessna team up against evil Martians. 82min. imdb

Movie 80min

Trailer (French)

Recap:

So there are these Martians who need a magic stone to conquer the universe. For a few minutes we see Martian Queen and Martian King wreck a city in Thailand searching for the stone, but most of the first half is just exposition and yadda yadda. In the second half, however, we have Jumborg Ace, who is a Cessna that transforms into a Japanese superhero and Hanumanji who is basically a Thai terracotta superhero. Of course, when superheroes meet, the international code of conduct requires that they battle each other first, but eventually they team up against the Martians.

Now this is what I call a superhero movie! I think that many people who make superhero movies should watch this, especially Micky Mouse who recently purchased Marvel and now has no idea what to do with it. The Japanese always were aware that superheroes primarily are for children (and, of course, secondarily for nerds) and this movie proves that the Thai know it too.

What bothers me, though: what became of the humans that were abducted to be ritually crucified? Do you remember when the Green Lanterns built a yellow lantern, because, well, Hal Jordan didn’t need a yellow lantern to kick this supervillain into the sun, but they left it in anyway because it looked cool. Same here: the crucified people looked quite swell in front of the fiery background, but nobody ever cared to save them. At least not in the version that I watched. But I’m not complaining. I take what I can get, and this version even is dubbed… sort of. I hope that this is an inofficial fan dub because a professional dub just shouldn’t sound like this. One of the children at the beginning of the movie sounds a lot like Cartman. And the translator obviously was under the influence at least part of the time. “Mine is longer than yours” is my personal highlight of the movie, but it’s just one of many.

All in all this is not the best superhero movie ever, but it is very, very good.

The Bad Samaritan Must Die! (2012)

Lowbudget indie flick about a real life “superhero” who is into violence and all kind of substances. 50min imdb

Movie 49min

Trailer

Recap:

She is an annoying and dumb brat and calls herself The Orphan because her father is dead and maybe she wishes that her mother was, too. She is looking for a father figure and hopes to find it in the Bad Samaritan, a real life “superhero” who is into violence and all kind of substances. Because she is a dumb brat her strategy to get his attention is snatching a handbag. Spoiler: he rejects her, and because she is a dumb brat her plan B is to kill him.

So what we have here is a grim movie, all nihilism and hopelessness. Nice. The least unsympathetic character in this is the hippie copper who is assigned to hunt the vigilante, he is the Bad Samaritan’s only friend and the voice of reason in this movie, but how trustworthy is a man who hangs with a junkie skinhead?

The real problem here is that this is not really a movie. It’s more like an episode of a miniseries that has a story with an ending but also a cliffhanger which leads nowhere because the sequel God Save The Bad Samaritan has not (yet?) been released. However it is nice that this one is not like all the other. And while the star of this movie certainly is not a new Adam West or Christian Bale, at least he’s so much better than Ben Affleck.

Santo Contra Los Zombies (1962)

Santo battles an evil scientist and his zombie henchmen. With small parts played by Black Shadow and Gory Guerrero (father of Eddie). 85min imdb

Movie 80min with captions

No trailer

Recap:

He wears a mask, he wears a cape, he drives a fancy car and he has a secret hideout with superior technology. But since he is not Batman, he wears no gloves and touches everything with bare hands, including evidence that is later examined for fingerprints.

Basically the plot is about a policewoman and a policeman who search for a missing voodoo expert, and about a mad scientist who controls a small army of zombies. But there is also this masked dude who does a whole lot of fighting in the ring, uses his batcave surveillance stuff and wrestles zombies. All in all he has not much more dialogue than Arnold Schwarzenegger in, say, Conan The Barbarian. But then, fists speak louder than words, and Santo not only dominated lucha libre for decades, he also had a movie career that Hulk Hogan or The Miz can only dream of, and his comic book outlived him for three full years.

Best of all: this movie is fun! It maybe is the best pre-Romero zombie movie I have seen by now and I am looking forward to watching more lucha libre movies.

The Fantastic Four (1994)

First movie of the F4, done in a rush and without a budget, never released, long lost. 90min imdb

Movie 90min

Trailer

Recap:

The movie starts with Reed and Victor trying to capture the energy of the Colossus comet. Though Ben tries to save him, Victor dies in an accident. Only that he doesn’t die but is saved by his latverian henchmen. Ten years later Reed wants to use a giant diamond to repeat the experiment, but the diamond is replaced by the Jeweler (who resembles the Mole Man a little) with a replica to impress Alicia, so it all goes awry again.

This movie was done on an abysmal budget and never released. The official explanation is that Bernd Eichinger had to shoot it to keep a hold on the movie rights and never planned to show it in the first place. In the documentary linked below we learn about two alternative stories: maybe Fox bought the Fantastic Four as a toy for their new Wunderkind Chris Columbus, or maybe Avi Arrad is the megalomanic supervillain who made this movie vanish to make room for his own big movie plans.

Who knows? Who cares? The second movie and first reboot is clearly my favorite because it has what a superhero movie needs: action, comedy, romance, drama, a budget and special effects. But everybody knows what happened then. The third movie was so incredibly bad that the fourth one had to be the the second reboot, carefully throwing every story element in the trash can except for the characters names and superpowers, which of course didn’t work so that the fifth movie will be the third reboot. And seeing how incompently Micky Mouse treats his purchases, I have very little hope for the future of the F4.

So I’ll say that this #1 is much better than #3 and #4. It’s also better than, say, Daredevil or Elektra or Spiderman 5 (Rise Of Electro). What it’s not: it’s not the magic supermovie that many nostalgics claim it to be. It’s nice, it’s entertaining, and it’s charming because this lowbudget underdog is better than so many blockbuster wannabes. Oh, and since it’s no longer a lost medium it has its fanbase simply because we are suckers for lost treasures.

Related movie:

All Superheroes Must Die (2011)

Lowbudget attempt to one-up superhero movies 78min imdb

(VPN:D)

Review:

Four superheroes awake from unconsciousness and find out that their powers are taken away. Via TV a supervillain explains that they must play by his rules or civilians will die. So the heroes play along and soon find out that the civilians will die anyway, no matter how much they follow his orders. That’s why the green ranger whose power is superedginess, starts murdering civilians himself.

Well, yes, there are spandex people in this, makes me wonder why. Obviously the writer, director and star of this movie wanted to do a dark and gritty hatemovie that proves what petty losers superheroes are, except for the Marty Stu of course, who is a true edgelord and badder than the baddest supervillain. Well, it’s got drama, tragedy and a bit of action and also Havoc from XMen 4. So you can watch it if you want, but as a superhero movie it fails miserably.

⭐⭐

Rat Pfink A Boo Boo (1966)

67min

(VPN:D)

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English

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None

Hybrid film that starts as a thriller and then becomes the poor man’s Batman TV show.

Review:

First half of the movie: a woman is stalked and threatened by three thugs. Her boyfriend sings a song. When she is kidnapped, her gardener is hit with a hammer. Her boyfriend sings another song. Then boyfriend and gardener hide in the closet.

Second half of the movie: boyfriend and gardener come out of the closet, dressed up as the crime fighters Rat Pfink and Boo Boo.

On imdb you will find many reviews that pretend that this is one of the best movies ever, but that’s just not true. Indeed this movie is done with love and dedication, it’s true that this movie is better than, say, Fantastic Four 2 or Superman 4 or Spiderman 5, but then, most movies are, and in the end director Ray Dennis Steckler is not very much better than Edward D. Wood. This movie is fun to watch, it’s refreshingly original, and it’s so much better than those movies that are just made for the money, but…..

Well, it’s just not a good movie. It’s two halfmovies that don’t fit together really well. I tried to give it 4* but it didn’t feel right.

By the way: it’s true that this won a Golden Turkey Award, but the category was only Worst Title Of All Time. And before you ask: I’ve read a trivia that claimed that the N and the D were lost in animation.

⭐⭐⭐

Supermen: World War (2019)

63min

(VPN:D)

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English

Subs

Lois and Clark in France during WW2

watch now

Trailer

imdb

No tomatoes

Review:

Lois and Clark go to France to report on the war. Good thing, too, because some mad scientist is working on a Superman for Hitler.

So this is a fan movie, totally not canon, and I admire what these people do. They put so much work into their movies, and money that they will never see again. There is no use pointing the finger at minor flaws, this movie is so much better than anything that you or I will ever create.

(Oh, wait, I must be a cleverdig for just one short paragraph in parentheses: you don’t have to read Nietzsche to make a Superman fan film, but according to the description, this movie explores philosophies about what Superman is, so it sure wouldn’t have hurt.)

By the way, Jimmy Olsen is replaced in this movie by Donald L. Callahan who was an actual war photographer and later became the director’s grandfather.

⭐⭐⭐

Bruce Lee Against Supermen (1975)

Bruce Lee Against Supermen (1975) 84min English dub VPN:D

⭐

A scientist invents a cure for famine, but he is abducted because he refuses to sell out to the villains. A Kung fu dude knot Bruce Lee, of course, but a character played by an actor called Bruce Li) comes to the rescue.

Near the beginning of the movie we see a man dressed as Kato, and there are also a few scenes with two guys in the red outfits of the Tri Supermen with green insects stitched on the chest. That’s about as superheroic as this movie gets.

This movie is incredibly stupid and doesn’t make any sense at all. The best explanation for this mess is that they had leftovers from other, unmade movies and then shot additional footage to compile something that (if you don’t look too closely) resembles an actual movie.

It may very well be that the so-bad-that-it’s-good community will say that this is a jolly good lark, and I sure would love Ryan George to do a pitch meeting about it, but normal people should avoid this at all costs.

The Batwoman (1968)

The Batwoman: La Mujer Murcielago (1968) 80min Spanish sound with English subtitles VPN:D ⭐⭐⭐

A mad scientist wants to conquer the world with the help of fishmen. To create a prototype, he abducts and kills luchadores, because they are the best source material for the creation of fishmen. Batwoman investigates.

Needless to say, this movie is NOT canon, it’s a cheap Mexican exploitation flick and it’s fun to watch unless you hate both superheroes AND trash movies. Of course this Batwoman is not as hot as Ruby Rose, but at least this movie is ENTERTAINING!

The Iron Superman (1975)

The Iron Superman 1975 85min German dub with English subs VPN:D ⭐⭐⭐

For decades ships and planes have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, and only one couple ever was smart enough to equip their son with a life vest. About 20 years later this sole survivor has become a brave man who can mount and control a mecha and stop the alien invasion that is behind the occurrences in the Bermuda Triangle.

A classic 70s children’s trash movie, “so-bad-that-it’s-good”.

Ogon Batto: The Golden Bat (1966)

Ogon Batto: The Golden Bat (1966) 73min Japanese sound with English subtitles VPN:D ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Evil aliens want to dump an asteroid on planet earth. However earth scientists manage to resurrect Ogon Batto, a superhero from ancient Atlantis.

Japanese 1950/60s SF entertainment for children, that’s nothing new you might say. However, this movie is made well (not worse than similar movies) and I happen to like superheroes. And this superhero is a really special one because he made his first appearance in 1931, yessir, that’s 7 years before Siegel&Shuster equipped Nietzsche’s Superman with spandex and a cape.

I’ll say this is a “should see” because if you (as a normal person) miss this movie, well, that’s your problem, not mine. If, however, you (as a supernerd) watch it, you’re in for a treat.